i have found happiness. where, i'm not sure but i don't care where it's here and i can look at the sky and not feel it falling i can rub my wrists and know those scars are old i can count on the sun coming up each morning i think mice crawled into my ears overnight (they are constantly scratching in my walls) and they are pushing buttons, pulling levers to make me run optimally.
i'm going to new york city tomorrow. tiny old me, with a huge portfolio bag, standing in the subway. in my boots and a dress and a jacket. i need to remember to bring my lipstick along. i will sway with the train and people watch from behind my long bangs i can stare up at the buildings with my mouth pursed shut (open mouths signal tourists).
it's like my brain changed colors went pink no more dying gray i've kicked that out open up my mind, i'm opening.
dresses make me feel simpler so i bite my nails and twirl my hair and giggle too much. it will get obnoxious but for now, i'm enjoying it.
i wrote four sentences in my journal last night before falling asleep: i see little goldfish and ringed fingers. i kiss his knuckles in my dreams. and hum little songs. because other people think my humming is creepy, and i don't think he would.
i can't buy gifts this year, but that's alright i have no money. and owe my parents $300. i will make my friends nice cards. i already have one of them planned out perfectly i'm very excited about it.
paleo - species of nightshade "shade species of nightshade see me brought before the light by turns she can be poison or my antidote for life
do you believe in me? do you believe? in anything? in anything at all?
i feel normal i feel total blow my sails away away away
show my colors every color bright or dull you swear to cloak your eyes? your eyes your eyes your eyes
take me in one trip but leave some of me behind i need something to work with when you leave me where i lie"
i'm trying to pluck my guitar but it's so out of tune that everything comes out like a wail. and i want to sound sensitive when i coo in the dead of night. but with too-tight too-loose strings i sound dead myself. so i'm cooing without my little gold guitar i wish my voice cracked like paleo's. or rose and fell. but it's tiny like a microscopic rhinestone.
i'm still here. i'm not leaving. i have places to go, things to do. and i'll go there, do that. but no one really changes. day to day, year to year, we're all the same. just look at the sun, and how it falls each night. or the birds who nest in the same forest. so i'll always be here in some colorful, or muted, loud, or silent form and i'll still be biting my bottom lip and i'll still stare at my ceiling late at night and i'll still feel the glitter in my eyes when i see something i love and my hair will continue to grow, and i'll continue to cut it short i will still get my numbers mixed up and i will reach for my lipstick when i feel daring and i will reach for my eyelids when i feel low and i will read my favorite books over and over until the words no longer have form, and spill out over the edges. the way i feel now is eternal light to my core just crimson and baby blue and dark pink with clouds and glitter and leaves and wool. i have my colors and fingers to paint with i have my body to feel with. and i have your eyes, squinting in a perfect smile i'm not attached to anyplace i'm an anywhere girl so i will always be here, in the same way forever even when i'm somewhere else.
i don't like having secrets anymore. they make me nervous.
it's so bright outside tonite. there's a full moon. it suprised me when i opened my curtains.
it hasn't snowed yet. i hope it never does. (well, i sort of do want snow...i love taking walks in it).
i've been trying to send him little messages through my brain because he said he knows my thoughts. sometimes i take things literally, when i'm tired and silly and happy. which is now. so i'm thinking over and over in my mind "go to sleep" although i am sure he is asleep now.
i like those little fish. and the rings.
i write a lot now, don't i? i guess that's ok. no secrets. :)
i'm going to sleep now. a nice deep sleep. and then wake up, shower, brush my teeth, comb my hair, put on a dress, put on my boots, smear on lipstick, pencil on eyeliner, and go to school. maybe i'll even sing in the hallways and smile at everyone i see. because i'm feeling inexplicably light. kisses.
True
